My struggles as a mama & the best compliment I’ve ever received…

Wait?! Isn’t this (motherhood) supposed to come more naturally?

It’s what we are force-fed by the over-culture when people use phrases like “maternal instinct,” or say things like “A mother just knows,” “It is the most natural thing in the world,” or “Your dreams will change once that baby is in your arms.”

I don’t really know.
It never has really felt natural.
My dreams haven’t changed.

And because of those things I more often than not feel like a complete failure as a mom. Those who know me intimately know this is a real wounding spot for me. Not showing up for my daughter Olivia in the ways in which she deserves is my worst fear. Foregoing things that make me feel truly alive and forcing myself into the culturally sanctioned role of dinner cooking, barbie playing, homework checking mom feels painful – as a forcing of any type will. So I just don’t do it.
We eat out a lot.
Liv does more tiktoking then she should. She manages her own schoolwork (and gets straight A’s to boot).

Many would view me as selfish – in fact, it is generally how I classify myself. I only have one child for a reason.

God, it even feels taboo to write about this as if somehow my proclamation that I don’t particularly enjoy children (or animals) – I know – Gasp – warrants an automatic scarlet letter stitched of disbelief, disdain, and disgust.

BUT YOU ARE A WOMAN! Where is the nurturing, the endless giving, the patience?

Don’t know?! Can’t tell?

In spite of all of that, this past Sunday I got validation that I’m pretty ok after all, from the only person whose opinions about my mothering really matter.

My Sunday Savior (she’s with her dad this weekend so we celebrated Easter this past weekend)

So little Liv become my Savior on Sunday – she absolved me from guilt, from doubt, from the persistent pesky pretty big belief that I am not all that worthy of being her mom.

It all started with an Easter egg hunt (which true to form I managed to do unlike other parents. I guess I forget the part that each clue in the hunt is supposed to hint at the next place to look. I had enough problems just making the words rhyme.)

Here is a pic of my eggs that lead to nowhere in particular lol:

When Liv began to read the clue that starts “hints to our trip” she looked up, eyes brimming with tears, and just above a whisper said “We are going on a trip together?” in the cutest, softest, most authentic, sympathetic voice you can imagine.

I was completely shocked by her reaction. I travel all time time and because Olivia doesn’t seem all that interested in traveling (or really anything I am into) and has said no when I’ve asked her if she wanted to come before (my winter trip to California comes to mind) I was taken aback by her emotion.

It was a wake up call for me to not always take what she says at face value – that their may just be deeper needs and longings there.

Or maybe seeing the pics and hearing the stories about trips I’ve taken without her gave her a new found FOMO.

Or maybe it is that Florida feels still within her comfort zone (my dad lives there so she’s been several times) whereas other places I’ve traveled do not.

Or maybe she just changed her mind about adventuring.

Or maybe it is just that she is growing up and our relationship is changing in new and exciting ways.

Whatever it was/is – I was so happy to know hanging out with me is (at least for this moment) something she is excited to be doing.

It Gets Better

After we did her Easter baskets, she (begrudgingly)came to hear me speak at church.

I spoke on Katherine May’s book Wintering and what my own psychological winters have looked and felt like. I told the story of Persephone and Demeter. I spoke of the teachings our winterings in the underworld have to offer.

I then moved on to story arcs and the elements of the hero’s/heroine’s journey. I asked the people in attendance if they could look at their lives through this lens?

If they had not had to make the descent to the underworld, had to slay no dragons, experienced no glorious comebacks would their story really be all that interesting to read? To hear? To tell? To live?

We so often applaud the cinematic arc in film, in art – but when it comes to appreciating it in our own lives we aren’t so great. I finished my talk saying:

Next time you are wintering, or underworlding, or frustrated or sad I challenge you to view yourself as the hero/heroine we are cheering for.
Get excited about what they may encounter next.
Will them on when they are at danger’s door.
Applaud them for their tenacity and heart.
Geek out on their adventure (which is your adventure).

I walked back to my seat and it was then that it happened…

My twelve-year-old, eye-rolling, tech obsessed, church rebelling, often mom-embarrassed pre-teen leaned over and whispered -“Mom, you were so inspirational.”

One more time – she said WHAT?

Mom, you are were so inspirational.

Olivia Conn, age 12

And then she said, “Mom, will you give me a healing” – I thought I had heard her wrong.

“You want to go get reiki” I asked and pointed to the people offering hands on healing at the far side of the church (that would have been shocking enough).

“No, I want you to give me a healing,” she answered.

I damn near fell out of my seat. I guess she thinks I have something to offer her after all.

The Finale

As the last part of the service, mediums are invited to the front to receive and give messages to those in attendance.

A woman named Allison went up the podium and asked Olivia if she wanted a message.
Liv answered in the affirmative.

She told Liv that while what I say/what I teach about spirituality and synchronicity might seem silly to her now, that Olivia possesses my gifts and to try ‘hear’ me once in awhile. That we ARE Persephone and Demeter – our bond unbreakable.

Given the unexpected exchange that had happened between us thirty seconds before I now was the one whose eyes were brimming with tears. I was the one croaking out words. I was the one swimming in feelings.